"Stupid Mama! I hate you!"
I can't deny that hearing those incisive words spill from the mouth of my 8-year-old daughter stung a bit. Sure, I'd certainly grown accustomed to some of this coming from my son who is younger and struggles with his own emotional dysregulation. But absorbing it from my daughter, who is so often calm, collected, and wise beyond her years, it was harder not to feel the impact.
Goodness knows I've been really working on self-compassion this year, which has helped me minimize my internalization of these challenges better than in years past. I do feel like I would have reacted more angrily in a previous chapter of my life when I had allowed myself to get particularly depleted and lacked the wherewithal to meet chaos with clam. But maybe I'm just a tad bit wiser and equipped with a more solid base of equanimity these days.
I kept peace in my heart and watched her retreat to her room, seething. Several minutes later, she appeared at the door, locked eyes with me, and burst into tears as she fell into my arms. "I'm sorry, Mama - you don't deserve to be treated that way..." She was horrified with herself, expressing how ashamed she felt in between sobs. I just held space for her, told her to breathe, and reminded her that she's human. We all get pushed to our limit sometimes and say or do things we don't mean. Truthfully, this used to happen all too often for me. But it was only through intentional reflection and action that I started to catch myself more and more, and did the hard work of repair - truly owning up to my mistakes.
The deep shame that my daughter felt with "acting out" really stopped me in my tracks, mostly because it reminded me so much of myself. We are so very alike, and I am all too familiar with the maladaptive perfectionism that I carried with me from youth into adulthood. To feel you can never mess up or disappoint others is a heavy, heavy burden to carry and it's something I have to consciously unload from my psyche on a regular basis.
Visual cues help keep me honest. I have a keychain beaded with the phrase "embrace imperfect". Practicing this philosophy on a regular basis and modeling it for my children has truly been a game-changer in our household, empowering everyone to pause and acknowledge when we aren't showing up the way we hope to. In this way, we can continue the human journey of learning from our mistakes and growing in deeper knowing and connection.
Wishing you, dear readers, a salve of self-compassion to face the messy parts of yourself with a little more ease, embracing a growth mindset that helps you sail through the rough waters. It sure makes it a more pleasant journey.
