Just write

In medicine, we soak up so much suffering on a daily basis. Sure, there is a lot of joy and connection and laughs and inspiration. But the number of times I have felt a patient's trauma in the core of my being is innumerable. The cumulative grief and pain is too much for any human to bear. So we have a few options - 

1. Box it up. Compartmentalize. We all have to do this to a certain extent in a busy work day. We can have a really difficult conversation with a patient on hospice and then have to head into a well baby check, all smiles. But some people continually keep all the hard emotions buried down deep, hoping they will never come out (spoiler alert: repressed feelings often rear their head at the most inopportune times).

2. Feel it all. Have no boundaries. Lose your sense of self. Simmer in the pain of sympathy and notice it creep into all the corners of your life. 

3. Process it. This can look a lot of ways, whether it's a Balint group, therapy, meditation, creative arts, or writing. 

For me, writing is a critical elixir to stay healthy and whole as a healer. When I face hard times with a patient, and I feel the pain gripping my heart in unhealthy ways and sending me on my way to option 2 above, I am called to write. In this way, I can search for understanding in the midst of the suffering, even if it is just trying to make sense of my feelings. This ritual helps me ground myself in a deeper wisdom by metabolizing the pain in my own reflective process.

I have started a tradition of giving journals to my learners, encouraging them to write about their experiences in medical school as a therapeutic outlet, and also to be able to remember some critical moments that might otherwise fade into a distant memory. Many have told me how powerful it has been to journal during such a demanding time of their lives. 

Journaling might not be for everyone, but I do feel that creating space for oneself to process the heavy stuff in medicine is pretty critical and an accessible antidote for cynicism, numbing, and emotional exhaustion.

And I have found it so meaningful to take it to the next level by sharing my story and remembering the common humanity of so many of life's challenges - but more on that another day.

For now, find time to just write. You won't regret it. 

Moving through uncertainty

I was on a solo road trip recently to a conference and at some point on the journey, I was met with a dense fog that cloaked the highway for several miles. It was disconcerting and disorienting, and forced me to zero in on what was right in front of me. The little that I could see had to become my guiding point, and it took a lot of present-moment awareness to stay focused on the path forward, even though it felt very uncertain. 

I tend to be a very future-oriented person, so leaning into contemplative practices like meditation and mindfulness have forced me to embrace some discomfort to see things a different way. I find comfort in planning and looking forward and what’s ahead, to feel more sure in the present moment. But sometimes in life, we will get mucked up in some things that are unclear, dynamic and unexpected. And we have to reorient and ground ourselves in what we do know, even if it doesn’t seem like much. When there isn’t much extrinsic information, we have to go inward to our intuition to guide us. That comes naturally to some more than others, but certainly we can all practice sinking into our inner knowing more often. As social beings, we easily can look outward for guidance on which way to go, but sometimes that takes us on a very different path than we would have chosen for ourselves.

Eventually I did make it through the fog and was able to breathe more easily as I finished up the trip on a nice sunny stretch. It was a little scary, but I was grateful that I trusted myself to move through the uncertain path. I found that it put me in a helpful mindset as I embarked on the wellness conference, trusting my voice more to speak up and connect with new people. When we get comfortable with the unknown a bit more, it really can empower us to meet it with grace in our daily life.