I told my 9-year-old daughter that I was giving a talk tomorrow and was feeling a little nervous, and she said, “Oh, Mama. You say this every time you give a talk, and it always turns out fine.”
Holy smokes, y’all.. my tween dropped some solid wisdom helping me identify my cognitive distortion-
The thought: You worry something won’t work out well
The reality: You’re always prepared and it always goes fine
While planning for the worst has historically been a solid strategy for me that I’ve used to my advantage to try to stay at the top of my game, the mental load is heavy and it is so unnecessary. What if, just maybe, it all works out?
Trusting my inner wisdom and experience is so much more freeing than anticipating the worst. And sometimes you have to hear the facts from someone outside of yourself to knock you back into reality. Yet another reason why I am such a fan of talk therapy and embracing some vulnerability with friends and loved ones to externalize the unhelpful thought streams that can take you on a wild ride.
Our thoughts can be our best friend, or our worst enemy. We can choose to embrace a self-compassionate voice of reason but often find ourselves enmeshed in the rants of a self-critical catastrophizer. It seems obvious what the default should be, but our negative bias can lead us down some scary paths.
So when I see myself starting to spiral, I try to ask myself, “Is this thought helpful? Is it true? What are the facts here?” And while that’s all fine and good if we are in the headspace to do this thought work, it’s also perfectly acceptable to just try to focus on releasing the unhelpful thoughts and just breathing and grounding yourself until you are a little more regulated. I find that I use these strategies with patients not infrequently, but only recently have I started taking the time to do it for myself.
Can you imagine the healing we could bring ourselves, if we gave more freely to ourselves all the goodness we pour out in others?
I've been crafting a session on self-compassion for our medical students, and it's been, well, damn hard - because I feel like I'm kinda bad at the whole self-compassion thing. But, as a thought experiment, the self-compassionate part of me wants to say...
Maybe you don't have to be an expert at this. Maybe you can just share your truth about the struggles of self-compassion. There is powerful learning in that, too. And maybe you can own some of the small wins that you've experienced in the beauty of self-compassion, because that can be accessible and inspiring to others. And maybe you can fall back on collective wisdom and encourage others to share their stories, because that is a strength you have, to build safe spaces for authentic presence.
Ack, even saying that last part, telling myself I'm good at something, feels weird. But a wise person once told me, keep doing the good self-care and self-talk - eventually it will feel natural and normal. It's only weird because it's not happening enough.
May we all fill ourselves back up, trust our voice, and get grounded in our strengths to buoy us even in the hard times.
