On the surface, it can sound pretty exciting to be a full-spectrum family medicine physician and Associate Clinical Professor, Wellness Director for the Department of Family Medicine, Wellness Director for Graduate Medical Education, and Co-Director for the School of Medicine's new Compassionate Action and Real Engagement in the Community course. The reality:
~30 residents with varying needs and feedback on my teaching style and engagement
~75 faculty colleagues with a myriad of needs with respect to their wellness
~150 medical students with varying opinions of our compassion course
~700 patients on my panel with a number of perspectives on the care I provide
~1000 residents and fellows with a myriad of needs with respect to their wellness
Every time I have to read through feedback, be it from colleagues or learners or patients, I can be so filled with dread. The fact of the matter is that I really want everyone to be happy and it kills me when people feel that their needs aren't being met. Whether I'm caring for patients or teaching and mentoring, I want people to feel supported, listened to, cared for.
When you get feedback that you are too close for comfort, and try to back off, then you are at risk of being called disengaged. When you offer openness to feedback and co-creation, if you don't incorporate all the ideas, you can be seen as dismissive. It's a dizzying pendulum swing.
In our efforts to try to be all things to be all people, our identity and values can easily become compromised. I am trying to keep that in mind as I forge a path forward with so many factors weighing on my conscience.
I know that I cannot be perfect, and given the privilege I have to be involved in the lives of so many people, there are going to be some unhappy people. And I have to be okay with that. It's just really uncomfortable. And I have to make up for it with more self-care and therapy and self-assurance that if I stay true to myself, I can lean on the inner compass to guide me forward as a leader, educator, and healer.
I'm going to challenge myself with a little reframe - I'm so grateful that I am in a position to fuss over these "first world problems" and that I have the agency to have a seat at the table to use my voice and enact change. I just need to lean into personal resiliency a bit more so I'm prepared for the inevitable challenges along the way.
I appreciate those of you who made it through this vulnerability post which offered me a little catharsis at a tough time. If this struggle speaks to any of you out there in mentoring or leadership roles, know that you are not alone. And I'm happy to grab coffee or Zoom and decompress and strategize as we work through how we can show up as our best selves in our work.
And just remember:
